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The Archive - Feb Poker Thinking Contest
Bower50 - 04.02.2017, 18:23
Post subject: Feb Poker Thinking Contest
Feb Poker Thinking Contest
Prepared by BowerCrush
Poker Jokes
Everyone posting a poker joke will be in a random draw for 2 x $3 in prizes.
SAMPLE---Q: Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
A: Because of all the cheetahs
shirlsplay - 04.02.2017, 21:10
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Q. What is the difference between Phil Hellmuth and a dog?
A. The dog will eventually stop whining.
thank you and good luck everyone 
r8er4ever - 04.02.2017, 21:14
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What does a poker player eat for dinner?
Fish and Chips
win4maw - 04.02.2017, 21:28
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You Know You're Running Bad When...
The guy next to you keeps telling you where the ATM is
MLJ774 - 05.02.2017, 14:27
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POKER IS LIKE SEX...IF YOU DON'T HAVE A GOOD PARTNER , YOU BETTER
HAVE A GOOD HAND. 
crzynana2001 - 10.02.2017, 00:38
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Husband's losing rent money.
'That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,' the housewife told a neighbor.
'You didn't do it, did you?'
'I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!'
CATLICKER - 11.02.2017, 11:16
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Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress.
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed, he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirmed that he was interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2pm Friday.
When Friday rolled around, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat, Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by my office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
win4maw - 12.02.2017, 02:39
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Silent Tommy
Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.
'Tommy,' said his teacher. 'I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half.'
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, 'You lose.'
kaska321 - 12.02.2017, 07:17
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Q Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
A. Because there were too many cheetahs.
anneandalan - 12.02.2017, 20:05
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A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police came with his dog to raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: 'Father Murphy, were you gambling?'
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, 'Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.' To the police officer, he then says, 'No, officer, I was not gambling.'
The officer then asks the minister: 'Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?'
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, 'No, officer, I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: 'Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?'
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: 'With whom?'
MLJ774 - 16.02.2017, 02:42
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Why didn’t the elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
win4maw - 16.02.2017, 04:02
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Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards?
A: "I can't deal with you anymore."
gjr1961 - 16.02.2017, 15:52
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The Dead Poker Player
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
win4maw - 16.02.2017, 15:56
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The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
kaska321 - 17.02.2017, 13:56
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A men comes home from his weekly poker game late.
His annoying wife is waiting for him.
"Where the heck have you been" - she asks .
"Sorry but I lost you in the poker game , you will have to leave"
"How did you manage that, you fool ?"
"It wasnt easy, I had to fold a royal flush"
win4maw - 17.02.2017, 17:17
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Dog Poker
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
kaska321 - 20.02.2017, 06:33
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There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe." He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry." He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd. The voice says, "Go all in." He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call. The dealer lays down the flop which is Jh10h9h. The voice says, "*please do not swear*."
win4maw - 20.02.2017, 14:35
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Q: What does a gambling addict eat?
A: Poker Chips and Salsa.
MLJ774 - 25.02.2017, 15:05
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A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun. "Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow. The player replied, "Let me get even first."
dbonkers - 02.03.2017, 22:03
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Q: How's a casino like a good woman?
A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
CATLICKER - 02.03.2017, 23:04
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Cool, looks like I won $3 - Thanks Geno !!!
win4maw - 02.03.2017, 23:25
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Is that your joke Catlicker LOL
shirlsplay - 03.03.2017, 00:59
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Last month he did i think maw
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